I AM THE WORST PERSON TO LOVE

Today is supposed to be for catching up, for spending quality time together. With unfortunate turn of events, I just really had to screw this up.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have become the worst person to be in a relationship with. I'm sorry I dwell on my trust issues and it seems that I am only getting worse. I seem to have found comfort in crying, in pain, in quarreling. Going on about my issues have become a habit. All these are unfair to you.

I know you try very hard to find time, hurdle the Makati traffic, come up with believable excuses, drag your ass to my lowly abode just to be with me. Believe me, I'm trying hard at least equally. I curse at Uber drivers who lose their directions, navigate slowly and blaming them for the hell of a traffic that I go through. I would step out of the car in the middle of Skyway and just dash home if I could. I close my eyes when I have to shell out 500 bucks per way because I know that if I take the public transportation, you'd be fucking mad. On my ride home, I think of ways how I can set the mood, make up for the lost time and even what to feed you.

Before I welcome you with kisses when you knock on my door, A LOT has already happened.

Now, I'm in my desk typing all these. Although I prefer to be at home, with a tub of ice cream or a tray of lasagna, contemplating about my poor choices.

Things Lea is Thankful for Week 2

Another week! Hooray! A rainy one tho, but still as full of highs and lows. Typhoon. Passport renewal. Impulsive haircut.

This week I was finally able to present what I'd been working for a couple of weeks to my stakeholders. It was a breeze, well maybe for now. Still, I'm crossing my fingers that this will turn out well until I see them in Singapore for the workshop.

Classes got suspended in Friday because of Typhoon Butchoy. I managed to get into the office as there was no suspension/BCP alert. The government offices got suspended by 1PM, which means I couldn't visit the BIR office in Buendia to have my tax records updated. Ugh!

I stayed home, cried myself for a pretty heavy reason (which shall remain personal) and just watched TLC with Yoda. I felt a little febrile so even if I received a call for coffee, I decided not to leave my bed.

Things Lea is Thankful for Week 1

I am trying to get back on track in blogging and what better way to jump-start than to list down all the happy memories of the week that passed. I think that this is also a good way for me to have a positive outlook on a Monday if I look back at all the things that have made me smile.

Apart from that, I have also tried to tweak my profile and blogger design to give my online haven a refreshing feel.

On My Own

Today, I was supposed to make a major life decision. I've always dreamed of getting my own house - where I can paint whatever color I wanted to and whenever I feel like doing so. A house where I can hold home-cooked dinners, perhaps get another dog for Yoda and do my Vinyasas in the morning.

All these I was very excited and hopeful for, until you snapped me back to reality. You told me to create a plan for my future and write it down.

Click here to read more.

Sabi Mo Eh...

Two weeks and everything between you and me went well. Until...


You told me you don't care and that I continue to do what I want. This sparked to deeper arguments. Words not meant to be said. Words that cut like a sword.
If you say so, you kept on repeating to me. "Sabi mo eh" was all you could muster. You don't care.

Self Check: Five Months After

I don't really have much to say or compare to when it comes to break-ups. The first time was when an ex boyfriend sent me a message via Friendster that goes "it's not about you, it's me".

A  relationship that went for seven years that has gone wrong is more than heart breaking to me. It wasn't all about me and the guy anymore, but the relationship has extended to family, friends and even finances. Freaking Fs.

February. What was supposedly a mutual decision turned upside down when I knew about things he kept from me. We talked and decided that since things don't go well between us anymore, we deemed it best to live our lives on our own. However, days, weeks and months passed, and I learned about everything he had done despite the chance I once gave him. So I just leave it to that.

The Survival. I went through the usual ugly-cry-at-night and self-pity. I couldn't avoid crying at any time of the day. To say the truth, I was very remorseful of the relationship than that of the love. Perhaps it was just about time.

I have very few friends - seriously just a handful. I don't have my family with me and talking with me always make me break down in tears. Mostly I only have Yoda, and he's enough for me to bare all the hurt, betrayal and pain. 

Yoda. Arriving home to a happy dog is such a relief. We never miss to cuddle and play before sleeping and upon waking up. My social network is a witness to how much Yoda means to me, his human.

Reinvention. I had my hair cut, permed and more in just a few months. I lost weight and changed my wardrobe. I became a different person than I was a year ago. I took more selfies and compared them to previous years' photos me. I am different. I was different.

I am not sure how and where the effect of a break-up will take me, but it took me to where I was not supposed to be.

Unfinished

If only you're mine to keep
I will take the leap.
I will never let you go
Even when there's no tomorrow.

Don't think about the morning,
I just want to see you sleeping.
Hug me closely
Coz tonight it's just you and me.

Empty arms when you step out of the door
The hurt goes deep to the core.
And when the lock shuts
It's like you take away my guts.

Just stay with me tonight
And hold me tight.
Forget about tomorrow,
And I won't think about all my sorrow.