Self Check: Five Months After

I don't really have much to say or compare to when it comes to break-ups. The first time was when an ex boyfriend sent me a message via Friendster that goes "it's not about you, it's me".

A  relationship that went for seven years that has gone wrong is more than heart breaking to me. It wasn't all about me and the guy anymore, but the relationship has extended to family, friends and even finances. Freaking Fs.

February. What was supposedly a mutual decision turned upside down when I knew about things he kept from me. We talked and decided that since things don't go well between us anymore, we deemed it best to live our lives on our own. However, days, weeks and months passed, and I learned about everything he had done despite the chance I once gave him. So I just leave it to that.

The Survival. I went through the usual ugly-cry-at-night and self-pity. I couldn't avoid crying at any time of the day. To say the truth, I was very remorseful of the relationship than that of the love. Perhaps it was just about time.

I have very few friends - seriously just a handful. I don't have my family with me and talking with me always make me break down in tears. Mostly I only have Yoda, and he's enough for me to bare all the hurt, betrayal and pain. 

Yoda. Arriving home to a happy dog is such a relief. We never miss to cuddle and play before sleeping and upon waking up. My social network is a witness to how much Yoda means to me, his human.

Reinvention. I had my hair cut, permed and more in just a few months. I lost weight and changed my wardrobe. I became a different person than I was a year ago. I took more selfies and compared them to previous years' photos me. I am different. I was different.

I am not sure how and where the effect of a break-up will take me, but it took me to where I was not supposed to be.

Encrypted Messages

Nails scrape through the letters

You and I get the shivers

Deeply, I breathe in and tap Send

Waiting for you to Enter, come and bend.

Fingertips glide around the keys

I wait for your reply, please.

These sweet and comic exchanges

We can laugh for ages.

My stomach swirls

My heart is in a whirl.

Wish we can go on like this

Forever, a big word I’d miss.

Happy, another impossibility

Because this is not reality.

I don’t want to say goodbye

This won’t just pass by.

I don’t want to

But it has to.

Valentine Breakfast

It's Valentine's day and I am alone. Well, Yoda's just at home waiting for me but the boyfriend is miles away in Cebu.

This morning, I woke up early, played with Yoda for a little while and prepared for work. I put on a little extra effort to blow dry my hair and put on some Mac Chili.

Yesterday afternoon, I gathered all my guts to ask someone out for breakfast. I figured the guy will be out on a date in the evening and lunch is too short to spend with. It was all courage for me to ask. Much to my disappointment I didn't get the response that I hoped for. He was all "Magprepare ka ng breakfast? Sige! Ayos yun!" out loud and it actually wasn't meant for everyone. I replied "I just asked you out. Hehehe. Wag na nga lang." To explain things, I asked him out for a Valentine breakfast date. The romantic type. Not the usual hanging out in breakfast.

Then the "Sadie Hawkins dance" thing hit me. The last episode of Glee I watched, I remembered Tina asked Blaine to go to the dance with her but he refused. It was the kind of rejection that you wanted to cry and lock yourself up. I felt the same way but didn't show it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about it (though while I'm writing this I seriously feel like crying).

Rejection. But the sweet banoffee pie and a hot cup of latte made me forget the feeling.

Still, a happy Valentine's day to everyone!

A Letter from Your Guitar

Thump your fingers on my neck
Hold me close, never break.
Pluck the outlines of my veins
Your nails scraping on my skin.
Listen to the beat in every pump
Tighten the fret as you clump.
Smooth and warm caress of your arms on my curve
Each touch I starve.
Hold me tight, sway with me tonight.
Together we make love,
Music is all we have.

Dim the Headlights by Urbandub

Around two years ago when I first posted the lyrics of a song of this Cebu-based band. They're my local favorite because their songs are poems with melody. Sensual, sexy, poetic.

I can only smile sheepishly on this Urbandub song. But before I did, I had to hold back tears.


It starts with a stare we're both well aware

pulling me closer, pulling me in
Our eyes lock, eager to sink in my
teeth for the taste of your sin

-------

REFRAIN\

--------

The nights blaze from heat I've exchanged
as time fades, so drive me away

--------

CHORUS 1\

Dim the headlights the streets are open
One start, skies burst in orange and blue
Sit still, on your passenger side
and watch you drive me to fall in love
We fall in love

-------

VERSE 2\

--------
And when you speak it leaves me weak
in a daze for days I'm lost and I am craving more
Oh yes, you can touch me easy

--------------

REPEAT REFRAIN

---------
Dim the headlights the streets are open
One start, skies burst in orange and blue
Sit still, on your passenger side
and watch you drive me to fall in love

------

BRIDGE\

-------
And I'f I lost you, I've lost every piece of me inside you
with every taste of me that you take, I pray just

A little bit more
A little bit more
A little bit more
A little bit more
A little bit more

REPEAT REFRAIN

Dim the headlights the streets are open
One start, skies burst in orange and blue
Sit still, on your passenger side
and watch you drive

-----

OUTRO\

------

dim the headlights, we fall in love
dim the headlights, we fall in love
dim the headlights, we fall in love
dim the headlights, we fall in love

Untitled

Little drops of rain trickled down the window.

The metro almost drowned in traffic and rainwater.

We stared at each other, with eyes promising a glorious night

From your eyes, I looked down to your lips,

hungry to touch it with mine

Then you moved closer and I melted

Under the sheets our bodies swayed in rhythm

Like a choreographed dance

And in trance, we bade the night like there's no tomorrow

Like we're the only people alive

The sad truth of the sun coming out, signaled the end of our slumber

I pulled away. Not because I don't want you.

Only because I don't want to be engulfed in a closer space that is "us".

Because there can never be in between a plus.

A dream, in sleep,

But everything was true I just can't keep.

Casually we kissed goodbye.

Unknowing how will the days go by

Will there be more?

What about after four?

When we know that more means drowning in ourselves, in us.

The night it had to end,

I hid myself under the sheets.

Tears poured and a stab that no one can mend

I was happy for you but not for me

For tomorrow I'll see you smile

But I, sorrowful eyes to hide

I know someday I can be free.

A Whole Year of Updates (2/5)

On a happier note comes the year 2012.

January 2012. New Year's eve was of no difference. The festive atmosphere was absent. Crackling of firecrackers, videokes in each corner and roaring laughter were replaced with eerie silence. Cagayan de Oro was different. And recalling what I heard and seen was heartbreaking.

February 2012. The boyfriend and I spent the Valentine weekend (and celebrated five years together) in the land of Chocolate Hills. We boarded in Bohol Bee Farm, where everything is "organic".

Dinners were awesome at Bohol Bee Farm. They always include their yummy breads and spreads, and spicy flowers salad.

Bohol Bee Farm is in the island of Panglao. The boyfriend and I stayed at the "Buko" Garden Bungalow Room. Everything was made of coconut - the soapdish, ash tray, bedside table, lamps and all the decors. Infront was a flower garden where chilled the afternoon away.

They also boast for diving and boating. We weren't into it at that time since it was just the two of us (meaning more expensive). Instead, we, again, lounged and relax infront of the water and breeze.

We also enjoyed the beach in Bohol Beach Club where it boasted pristine white sand that stretched for a kilometer or so. It was the perfect sun and sand combination. There's a swimming pool, for you non-beach lovers. Entrance is at Php350 on weekdays, and Php500 on weekends. Take out Php150, and the rest can be consumed on food and beverage at the restaurant. It was sulit. If we weren't that scared of getting our skin burned, we would've slept under the coconut trees, on the hammock, for much longer.

 

Our Bohol getaway wouldn't be complete without the countryside tour. Chocolate Hills, Loboc River Cruise, Baclayon Church and Museum, the man-made forest and seeing the tarsiers.

Late Post

Don't doubt love if you still feel it in the morning.

I've been watching a lot of American TV series for the past few months. My list includes Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Shit My Dad Says, Outsourced and Mad Men. Except for the last one, the rest are comedic in nature. Nonetheless, I would have to say that I enriched myself with a handful of life principles to live by as the serious one.

I can personally relate to some characters and let me review each of them:

Big Bang Theory. I am definitely no Sheldon academically and a Penny physically. I don't like to associate myself with nerdy Leonard either. What I'm trying to get at in this series is how a group of nerds cope with the social "norms" and at the same time still craze over Star Wars and Star Trek, Physics, Engineering, Comics and a whole of of nerdy stuff. How they look and behave may not be balanced at all, but they definitely progress to definitive results at the university and at home with neighbor Penny.

How I Met Your Mother. My relationship is a Lily-Marshall episode. We've been together for many years and very openly comfortable

________________________
04 Sep 2012
And I trailed off from the last sentence. :-/

Confessions (Part 2)

Milkshake from Park Cafe and tempura from the manong whose rolling stall is usually found at the corner of Miggy's.

He drives his white Hilux very fast. She looks sideways - scared of what seems like the road to death. He plugs his mp3 player on his car stereo and the sound of Erik Santos ballads serenaded the two.

He was the typical young man - independent and free. He stays alone in a flat in Nazareth. His place is a wifi zone - thanks to him, his neighbors could have free internet access. He has money and power. His parents lavishly support him financially, and whenever he still wants to buy something new - maybe a Macbook or the Canon SLR he saw from Robinson's. He smokes but never drinks.

It's his spiritual belief that makes him watch for his madman behavior. He is afraid to going to their sacred house dirty. If he does drink, he is not allowed for forty days to worship with the "clean" people inside. He prays five times a day and fasts for 30 days in a year.

In her mind, it is impossible for them to be an item. Her best drinking buddy once told her that he is too rich. Not that there's a big deal about being rich or poor, but it's fearful to be with someone who's too rich and too powerful and a whole lot different from what you are. She glares at her friend for talking too much - maybe just because they have finished two liters of rhum coke. She imagines - back to the night that they were almost an item.

He stares at her. She can't look at him straight in the eye. She leans on the back of the chair and looks outside the window as the next song opens Stephen Speaks singing Passenger Seat. She thinks the moment is romantic. The car, the music, the night and the two pieces of tempura left. It would've been "more perfect" if there are words to be spoken - to hear from the other.

They drive around the city until midnight. Then he brings her home. Outside the gate, they park the car. She doesn't want to step out and get inside the house. She has been waiting for him to say something. When her hand touches the door to open it, he holds her other hand. Shocked, she stays still. Hands clasped together - but still not a single word spoken.

Both of them think that they are not ready - to make this sweetness and romance to the next level. It is better that way.

Sometimes All You Have to Do is Listen

I understand that we are not kids anymore. That most of the time our minds have a lot to express. We get very occupied with work and other things that we feel obliged or responsible on. Sometimes those things cloud up our minds and later on create a huge mood storm.

It is good to be mature - to feel, think and talk. Yet it doesn't mean that if we feel very responsible on something, we have to forget to be human. Maybe we have forgotten how it is to care, to show affection at and simply love. In those times, we forget ourselves, the people around us and Him.

We are human, not robots who just need batteries or keys to be winded up. We don't need oil to live, but hearts to feel alive.

The best way then to assure ourselves that we are still humans is to listen. Listen to the heart that beats, our loved-ones' advice and concern, and God's prayer to us. Yes, I believe that God also prays to us - not really pray like we do, but His response or form of refuge that He shares to those who need it. We don't have to say anything, we just have to open our ears, minds and hearts to loving forms of speech.

How To Make Woman/Men Happy?

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

I Love Davao

8-hour and 4-stop roadtrip to Ecoland in Davao. Our bus left the city at exactly 12 noon and we arrived at around 7 in the evening. I did not bother texting Ryan that I was coming. I wanted to surprise him but because I got dizzy and all, I decided to ask him to fetch me. He was so excited that he immediately went to the bus terminal after his work. He had to wait for less than an hour.

People, things and places that I will soon be looking forward to seeing again in the southern city:

JV, Shannon, Romeo, Polarity, Alpha Homes, Aplaya, Bimboy, Matina, NCCC Mall, NCCC Supermarket, friendly employees, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, cinema, multicabs, non-aircon taxis, BakBak, live rock bands, wonderful music, "the past", beautiful gays, Penong's, two hand claps for rice, People's Park, sunken garden, wishing well, falls, bahay kubo, banana shrubs, sculptures, Casino Filipino, Mount Apo, kites, long walk in Ilustre, no jay walking, Bachelor Express, Buda, countryside scenery and I'll go back there to make my list go endless.

Perhaps, I will be staying there for good.

To Ryan

My love and will always be.

Thank you for extending your patience in me. Life has been very challenging to us, yet you remain beside me. You make me laugh with my antics in times when I feel like crying – which is almost everyday. Your chipmunks’ imitation never fails my laugh hormones. It’s very therapeutic. At times whenever I feel like wanting to skip classes and sleep instead, you push and wake me up. Although I don’t give a very nice response, later on I realize how helpful it is. No AF’s for me because of that.

Remember our Holy Cross vigil at Pelaez? For me, it made a good start in our relationship. I knew that God moved us with His hands and brought us together. I was at first hesitant. My love for you could never be enough to compete with God’s. It will never be. I was afraid of getting hurt. Yet God proved His magnificence and generosity for sharing the love to me. They were wrong when they said you couldn’t wear a slipper on one foot and a shoe on the other. Both are footwear. Your love for God can never be replaced by mine. It will always be your vocation.

Every time we pray together, I am amazed at how you speak to God. I have learned from you how to offer one’s self and surrender everything to Him. I am astounded at the way you think and pray for other people, even for those you do not know of. You have taught me how to be true to Him, how to acknowledge His ways and how to love God.

In ways I cannot count, thank you.

This Thing Called LOVE and THAT SOMEONE

L-lavish but laborious

O-open yet opinionated

V-vivacious though vulnerable

E-euphonic and exploitable

in this thing we call love, we become lavish in order to please someone. we become extremely generous and tend to give anything and everything to that someone. we do a lot of work and waste buckets of sweat to be able to exert such effort. it has become laborious already. the worst thing here is when the relationship becomes a work and a one-way process. one works out somethign for someone yet that someonesimply sits down on a corner and waits until the food is actually served.

when we love, we say we are open - open to accept the faults and frailty of the other, open to all questions and answers - all because of the reason of lovign that someone. however, when we get knocked out, we then limit ourselves to all the negative in that someone. we become opinionated and close-minded to how badly we see the situation. the mind then overpowers the heart.

love is vivacious - we are. we get inspired and moved by how in love we are. we get amazed by the sunset, the star-studded sky, the full moon and weep at teleseryes. we see colors everywhere and goodness in everything. we become high-spirited and does things with an ear-to-ear smile. but despite how animated we become in loving, we are still vulnerable to sadness and the pains of loving. though people who call themselves "experienced" say that we learn when we fall and get hurt, but it is such an unlikeable idea. human beings would always want to love and be loved and be happy in loving!

love is euphonic - sounding so nice and great that all people are enticed to get in love. it is like sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice, butterflies and stars and rainbows all over. all that we see become so nice and romantic. we even feel like singing or humming to the tune of our most-loved songs and think of happy memories. with all such goodness, love is exploitable. we make the best use out of it. we cannot deny that we tend to love someone because we think that we can acquire something (though in abstract) or can profit in the relationship that in the long run we only satisfy our own selfish desires.

what really is love? a friend told me that "love need not be defined or else its magic and mystery is lost." we can only assume and make round-about conclusions according to how our own hearst feel it. =)

faith, hope and love

as i was walking in our neighborhood, i got fascinated by the twinkling of the stars in the velvet blue sky. then i saw a shooting star. it happened so fast that as i was about to shut my eyelids and think fast of a wish, it was gone already. sayang, i thought to myself.would my wish come true if only i was as fast enough to cast my wish on that star?

despite that, i tsill believe that all my wishes - everything that my heart desires will come true. it is like Pinocchio who dreams of becoming a real boy. can apiece of wood turn into human flesh? Cinderella - a housemaid, dreams of only dressing up into a nice and simple gown and going to the royal ball. Ariel wishes to trade her tail with a pair of feet and walk on the shores.

what is similar in Pinocchio, Cinderella, Ariel and I is that we believe in what we wish for. people call it faith. it is also hope.

Pinocchio turned into a real boy and Gepetto became not his maker anymore but his father. Cinderella was granted by the Fairy Godmother an elegant pair of glass slippers to match her eye-catching ball gown. the Prince even danced with her until midnight and eventually she became a princess herself. Ariel made wrong decisions at first but then she didn't have to give up being a sea princess, a mermaid and a daughter to King Triton. she and Prince Erik fell in love with each other. not even Ursula can stop such powerful force of faith, hope and love.

though they are fictional characters and many think that only children believe in them, i seem to associate myself with them too. the world i exist in may be the "real world" and not an animation, but the desire of my heart throbs as strongly as theirs - as we see them in fairy tales.

sometimes what we wish for may not have been granted, but it shouldn't disappoint us. it should even give us more strength and courage to persevere, to act and make things happen.

Peter Pan's his name

neverneverland - a place where i don't have to grow old. i could stay as a kid, allowed to do whatever i please, without getting reprimanded. the place was heaven and earth combined. the Mermaid Lagoon was fascinating and the pretty merpeople sang with chilly gold voices. the waters were so blue, reflecting the sky above. kois abound, not piranhas. the clouds seemed like cottoncandies - fluffy and white. birds and butterflies added color in the atmosphere. the caves and forests were inhabited by the Red Indians. i met Princess Tiger Lily and she welcoemd me with a peculiar bird-like dance. different shapes of smoke came out from the orang-red fire put up at the center of the teepees. i tried puffing their cigar and found it minty and refreshing. the Red Indian tribe welcomed me with a dance of which resembled like a disco. we all danced to the sound of the hand-beaten drums and gongs.

then i was with the Children. costumed like a bear, squirrel, skunk, rabbit an a beaver, we acted like the animals. we played for a long stretch of time and weren't afraid of getting dirty and sweaty. we made fun of Tinkerbell's magical gold dust and sprinkled it on ourselves. We were flying! from above, i saw Captain Hook's pirate ship. i knew he couldn't lay a finger or a hook on me. i could hear the ticking sound from the crocodile swimming around his ship, waiting to finally gobble him up. trapped there, Captain Hook could not cause any trouble in neverneverland.

the dust's magic had rubbed off. slowly i landed into a tree - a house inside a tree. it was your home. the second i laid my eyes on you, all was complete. there was nothing else i could ask for. together, we wandered around the island. despite the threat of Captain Hook, i knew then i was safe. you were with me. you showed me what a wonderful world it was to be with you. you made me see things beautifully. you opened my eyed to reality.

i opened my eyes to reality and found myself in pajamas, lying on my bed and tears trickling down from my eyes. yet, the memory of such a place and time with you was still fresh and it will remain a memory.

the aged and the road

i stood on the other side of the road - my hair neatly tied in a ponytail, lips glossed and a freshly powdered face. confidently, i stood there. many people came and stopped to ask me where i was heading. i simply flashed my smile to them. some understand that i keep the answer to myself. some asked further and only got disappointed. they all asked me to go with them because i was alone there. it was perhaps a lonely scene, but i remained my composure.
still patiently i stood there as if my feet were permanently glued to the ground. i kept my composure for i didn't want you to see me lousy and ugly-looking when you arrived. you told me to wait and like an obedient little angel, i did. the sun was high up and my shadow was vertically flat on the ground. then i saw another shadow! for the first time, i moved and changed my position. i thought it belonged to you. i thought it was you. sadly, it was another man's shadow. he jolted as i did. to me was excitement, to him fright. he might have thought i was a statue and my movement scared him.
much time had already passed. i couldn't even figure out what was the date yesterday. yesterday. still it seemed only a day had passed when i started to wait for you. i felt my lips chapped, my hands wrinkled and grey hairs hung down from my crown. oh no! i thought to my self. i didn't want you to see me like this. i have aged! the grace and confidence in me were gone. i tried to stand upright but my back ached. my knees trembled.
tears streamed down from my eyes. horrible. i must have looked terrible and you saw me. you have seen how ugly i have become, and perhaps that was why you never came.
you told me to wait. i still remained there, standing slouched.

it rained one tuesday evening

the stars shone like fireflies dancing in the velvet sky. i sat in a long wooden bench with my cousin, gazing up and talking with one another. it had been centuries since our last serious and corny talk. it had been about me and my mishaps in life. this time, he was the one who needed a listening ear.

our neighbor's red Elantra passed by.

my cousin Charlie and I had always been open with our loves and lives. he challenged me to do things the nasty and naughty way, while i restricted him and made him behave in the proper manner. we liked and hated the same relatives of ours. we loved one another and hated the rest of our nosy clan.

a green Starex van passed by.

Charlie opened up something to me-a topic he hesitated to talk over with other people. this problem had been bugging him for ages already. he did not want solutions though. what he was seeking was understanding and a heart that's open and indiscriminatory.

an electric blue Honda City passed by.

from then on, i had become both a friend and cousin to him. we went out together, invaded the mall arcades and ruled our way up in dance revo. he was such an expert in following those arrows and even modifying steps to make it more of a hiphop dance and not cha-cha. the two of us can dance to any beat. at times, we danced the night away and did videoke singing until our throats gave up.

an elegant silver Ford Lynx passed by, then the rain started showering down.

i can see the magnificent cadence of the golden raindrops from the light of the lamp post at the corner. the cold wind rushed past my direction and made me quiver. yet, the smell of the fume of the road irritated my nose. my eyes mechanically seemed to shut itself and i somewhat heard my comfy bed calling me. i didn't know i had been outside the house until 12:30 mn. i didn't notice the length of time my cousin and i had been talking. i waited then for a minute for another car to pass by.

nothing came.

Melon, when are you getting married?

Ryan, are we getting married sooner? It seems like the folks are asking for it! Yeah...when am I getting married? They hear wedding bells!
Just this evening, Uncle Milo asked me when will be my big day. My relatives were talking about my cousin's wedding. Manang Che will be tying the knot with Carlos (aka Dao Ming Su) on July. Then suddenly they wondered who will be next! And they thought of me! Oh my...what were they thinking of?! Well, and I realized that the eldest single next to Manang Che would be ME!!!! I couldn't help laughing...They're asking for it! Uncle Milo laughed saying that they would wait until I finish college. It's in March already! There's Manang Cathy, but she's six months pregnant. Secondly there's Marlou, but to hell if he would want to marry or not. Who else would be next?
Damn, it's me alright.
I will get married to Ryan, but not yet. I'm still 19, he's 21. Maybe some few years later, we'll talk seriously about that.
*
As I opened my inbox in multiply, I found two photo updates from girl friends. Bibit posted her pictures with her boyfriend. Haven't met him yet, but for sure I will. I can't help but laugh at their pictures. They're so sweet. How I wish I always have a camera at hand and take pictures of me and Ryan! Then I navigated to Adeline's site. Her "La Lang" posts were with Mark, just sweet moments.
With my salary, I'm planning to purchase a new cam by Feb. I can't wait to capture moments with Ryan and share it to all! =)
*
So, what will be my dream wedding? I don't want to be realistic here, just in my dreams ok? I would want it to be in the most beautiful church I think is, the Roman Catholic Basilica of La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, Spain. It would be enough to have the dinner in nearby hotels, or maybe everyone could fly to Mauritius and have a Carribean mode of celebrating the union! Then our honeymoon would be in Europe. Ryan and I have dreamt of touring around the continent, and enjoy the wonderful places.
And what will be my realistic dream wedding? I'll just keep it to myself. I don't want to spoil the event.